


stop making this chat embarrassing to open in public you meme loving fucks

by nunvill



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: College AU, F/F, F/M, Group Chat Fic, Group chat, Kinda, M/M, everyones human, im gonna keep it as in character as possible i promise, the group chat fic no one asked for, this is gonna be kinda ooc but its for the sake of humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-18
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-16 18:15:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11834310
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nunvill/pseuds/nunvill
Summary: isabellelightwood: i swear to GOD if you are texting us at 3am about another harry potter conspiracy theorysimonlewis: it's,,,,a factorisabellelightwood: christ





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> Absolutely no one wanted this. Not even me. And yet: here we are.
> 
> This is totally self indulgent and silly, but you cannot blame me because we are not even a week into the hiatus and I'm already making shit like this.

**simonlewis:** okay listen

 **simonlewis:** i know you fuckers are awake

 **maiaroberts:** zzz...

 **simonlewis:** stop that

 **simonlewis:** i have something to tell you guys

 **maiaroberts:** ZZZ!!!...

 **jaceherondale:** simon it's genuinely truly actually 3 in the morning

 **claryfray:** simon what the fuck

 **simonlewis:** guys no listen it's really important and i can't sleep unless i tell you

 **isabellelightwood:** i swear to GOD if you are texting us at 3am about another harry potter conspiracy theory

 **simonlewis:** it's,,,,a factor

 **isabellelightwood:** christ

 **jaceherondale:** oh my god

 **simonlewis:** listen hear me out

 **simonlewis:** have you ever seen draco malfoy out on a full moon?? ever??? because i sure haven't

 **aleclightwood:** are...are you insinuating that draco malfoy is a werewolf

 **simonlewis:** it MAKES SENSE ok

 **simonlewis:** the werewolf that turned lupin was staying in his house during fifth year

 **simonlewis:** or maybe it was the sixth

 **simonlewis:** anyways he came to school with an injury that was never explained away!!!!

 **aleclightwood:** so

 **simonlewis:** so WHAT

 **aleclightwood:** that doesn't sound like real proof

 **aleclightwood:** it's just not realistic

 **simonlewis:** i didn't come here to be realistique

 **maiaroberts:** jesus

 **maiaroberts:** it's really 3am

 **maiaroberts:** i thought we all agreed no hp theories past midnight or before 8am

 **simonlewis:** it's not like any of you assholes were ASLEEP

 **maiaroberts:** you do know that some people have normal sleep schedules right

 **simonlewis:** i do know that

 **simonlewis:** in theory

 **maiaroberts:** some of us have to get to classes EARLY

 **simonlewis:** but were you asleep

 **maiaroberts:** that's...besides the point

 **maiaroberts:** the point is draco malfoy isn't a werewolf

 **simonlewis:** you guys suck

 **jaceherondale:** what about the theory that dumbledore is just ron from the future

 **isabellelightwood:** I'm gonna stop you right the fuck there

 **simonlewis:** wait let him speak

 **simonlewis:** jace. elaborate.

 **jaceherondale:** okay okay

 **jaceherondale:** dumbledore.....and stay with me here, this is where it gets tricky......is just ron from the future

 **simonlewis:** fascinating

 **claryfray:** you guys make me wish i was in the fucking ground

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> irl quotes from this chapter are:  
> "are you insinuating that draco malfoy is a werewolf"  
> "I didn't come here to be realistique"  
> "you guys make me wish I was in the fucking ground"


	2. two

**maiaroberts:** alec's boyfriend just walked into the library for like the tenth time this week

 **aleclightwood:** it's only the fourth time this week shut up

 **aleclightwood:** also he's not my boyfriend

 **maiaroberts:** then what,,,

 **maiaroberts:** what is he

 **maiaroberts:** because he's not a paying customer??

 **maiaroberts:** he just comes in, pretends to look around, comes over to ask you about your day for FIFTEEN MINUTES, and then skedaddles on out of here

 **maiaroberts:** every god damn day

 **jaceherondale:** WHY are we just now hearing about this guy

 **jaceherondale:** what's his name?? What's his major?

 **simonlewis:** what's his social security number

 **maiaroberts:** his names magnus bane and he's majoring in psychology and he has that english class with alec on thursdays

 **maiaroberts:** I talked to him last week and already gave him the shovel talk dw

 **aleclightwood:** you what

 **simonlewis:** you didn't answer my question

 **isabellelightwood:**  simon

 **isabellelightwood:** don't think I won't call the cops on you for harassing my brother's boyfriend

 **aleclightwood:** not my boyfriend

 **claryfray:** guys I can't believe alec has a boyfriend

 **aleclightwood:** oh my god

 **isabellelightwood:** I can't believe he didn't TELL me he had a boyfriend

 **aleclightwood:** it's like everything I say in this god forsaken chat gets lost in cyberspace as soon as I hit send

 **jaceherondale:** do you guys hear something

 **simonlewis:** my phone keeps buzzing but no one is texting me???

 **claryfray:** maia is alec not replying to the chat because he's busy working

 **aleclightwood:** see the fact that all of those were sent within the span of two seconds is what pisses me off

 **maiaroberts:** alec I'm going on break early can you take my register shift now since I took yours last week

 **aleclightwood:** yeah that's cool

 **maiaroberts:** sweet

 **maiaroberts:** put your phone away before aldertree fires you for not paying attention on the clock

 **jaceherondale:** did you do this to snoop

 **jaceherondale:** please say yes

 **maiaroberts:** do you even know me

 **claryfray:** is magnus still there

 **maiaroberts:** yeah he just noticed that alec is working register

 **maiaroberts:** HAHAHAHA HE JUST PICKED SOMETHING UP TO BUY SO HE COULD TALK TO ALEC

 **maiaroberts:** he's never bought something before this is so funny

 **maiaroberts:** aw man he's not even trying to be subtle, alec is just. Legally blind I guess

 **simonlewis:** wait what's happening now

 **maiaroberts:** I can't hear them but they've been talking for about five minutes and magnus just WINKED

 **isabellelightwood:** is alec's face red yet

 **maiaroberts:** has been since he walked in the door my man

 **maiaroberts:** aw MAN alec is laughing at something he said

 **maiaroberts:** homeboy is mad flushed

 **maiaroberts:** magnus is laughing too

 **maiaroberts:** I think magnus could ask alec to marry him rn and he'd still say something like "he's probably just being polite"

 **claryfray:** HAHAHAH

 **claryfray:** keep us posted please the shop is so dead right now

 **simonlewis:** ^^^

 **maiaroberts:** there's a line gathering and alec doesn't even notice he's just talking to magnus still

 **maiaroberts:** wait he noticed the line

 **maiaroberts:** his eyes got all wide he looks so DUMB HAHAHA

 **maiaroberts:** o shit he heard me laughing

 **maiaroberts:**  magnus just smiled and said sorry for holding the line up I think

 **maiaroberts:** they said goodbye :((((

 **maiaroberts:** WAIT

 **maiaroberts:** MAGNUS WROTE SOMETHING ON ALECS HAND

 **isabellelightwood:** OH MY GOD

 **claryfray:** OMG ALEC GET IT

 **simonlewis:** I can't believe he's growing up this fast :'(

 **jaceherondale:** I can't believe I didn't witness this

 **maiaroberts:** _video attached_

 **jaceherondale:** LIFESAVER

 **isabellelightwood:** look at how RED alec is aw

 **maiaroberts:** the lines gone and alec has his phone again oh no

 **maiaroberts:** abort mission I repeat abort mission

 **aleclightwood:** see if I ever take a shift for you again

 **aleclightwood:** you guys all suck

 **isabellelightwood:** I don't care what you think right now

 **isabellelightwood:** all that matters is

 **isabellelightwood:** did you get his number

 **aleclightwood:** yes I got his number

 **simonlewis:** add him to the chat !

 **aleclightwood:** oh great idea!

 **simonlewis:** really :D

 **aleclightwood:** yeah!

 **aleclightwood:**  you know what else sounds fun?

 **aleclightwood:** me taking the time during my lunch break to enter the dark web from an employee computer and hire a hitman to take me the fuck out

 **claryfray:** Simon you kinda walked into that one

 **simonlewis:** yeah ok I had that coming

 **simonlewis:** not my brightest moment

 **simonlewis:** that just means one of us has to get his number and add him instead

 **jaceherondale:** Simon, you're a genius

 **jaceherondale:** i,,,,can't believe I just typed those words with my own hands

 **claryfray:**  now that's what I call a redemption arc

 **claryfray:** who's gonna get the number ??

 **maiaroberts:** me or izzy could do it

 **isabellelightwood:** yeah we see Alec most in a day one of us could totes swipe his number

 **aleclightwood:** it's like you guys WANT me to resort to alcoholism

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> irl quotes from this chapter are:  
> "it's like everything I say in this god forsaken chat gets lost in cyberspace as soon as I hit send"  
> "me [entering] the dark web from an employee computer an hiring a hitman to take me the fuck out"  
> "now that's what I call a redemption arc"  
> "it's like you guys WANT me to resort to alcoholism"


	3. three

**claryfray:** I GOT HIS NUMBER

 **isabellelightwood:** WHAT

 **isabellelightwood:** HOW

 **claryfray:** he's in my figure drawing class and I just found out yesterday

 **claryfray:** I was absent a few days ago and today he offered to text me the notes from when I missed

 **claryfray:** he just gave me his number and was like "btw I'm magnus" and I was like o shit

 **maiaroberts:** I can't believe it was that easy

 **isabellelightwood:** I can't believe I ambushed alec as soon as he got to the cafeteria for NOTHING

 **aleclightwood:** clary I'm begging you

 **aleclightwood:** don't do it

 **maiaroberts:** clary I'm begging you

 **maiaroberts:** please do it

 **claryfray:** I already texted him about adding him you guys

 **claryfray:** he actually wants in on this shit show

 **simonlewis:** rookie mistake

 **jaceherondale:** god bless

 **claryfray:** I mean who am I to deny him all of this

 **aleclightwood:** if by "this" you mean modern torture then yes

 **claryfray:** I can't wait

 **isabellelightwood:** ADD HIM ALREADY

 **aleclightwood:** clary

 

_**claryfray** added **magnusbane** to the group_

 

 **aleclightwood:** clarissa fairchild is driving me to an early grave

 **simonlewis:** join the fuckin club pal

 **magnusbane:** alexander!

 **magnusbane:** I didn't realize you knew clary

 **aleclightwood:** oh hey

 **aleclightwood:** yeah I wish I didn't know clary

 **claryfray:** alexander

 **isabellelightwood:** alexander

 **jaceherondale:** alexander

 **simonlewis:** alexander

 **aleclightwood:** maia shut up I'm cancelling the game of thrones dvr

 **maiaroberts:** what did I do!

 **aleclightwood:** you're guilty by association

 **magnusbane:** that's a low blow

 **magnusbane:** messing with game of thrones...

 **magnusbane:** I shudder to think of the consequences

 **aleclightwood:** the worst she can do is lock me out of the apartment for an hour at MOST

 **aleclightwood:** she can't cook for shit so she would have to let me in with one of two scenarios

 **aleclightwood:** 1) she gets hungry enough to let me in to cook for her

 **aleclightwood:** or 2) she orders takeout and has to open the door for the food and I'll just like

 **aleclightwood:** shoulder my way in

 **maiaroberts:** you do have strong shoulders

 **simonlewis:** yeah I'm not gonna lie alec's shoulders were kinda my pan awakening

 **aleclightwood:** please never speak to me again

 **simonlewis:** yeah alright that's fair

 **claryfray:** i think my pan awakening was daenerys

 **magnusbane:** but what episode

 **claryfray:** episode one wym

 **magnusbane:** fair

 **maiaroberts:** is no one here straight

 **jaceherondale:** I'm right here

 **maiaroberts:** no one??

 **isabellelightwood:** wow I can't believe group chats are gay culture now

 **jaceherondale:** guys

 **simonlewis:** the gays claimed group chats what do the straights have left

 **aleclightwood:** regret

 **claryfray:** superiority complexes

 **isabellelightwood:** ignorance

 **magnusbane:** dread

 **jaceherondale:** they have ME

 **jaceherondale:** because I'm STRAIGHT

 **maiaroberts:** idk what that means??

 **claryfray** : sorry I don't speak croissant

 **margnusbane:** you're what

 **aleclightwood:** they have whom

 **jaceherondale:** christ

 **isabellelightwood:** it's okay jace you're like

 **isabellelightwood:** lgbt+ adjacent

 **isabellelightwood:** it's your birthright

 **jaceherondale:** yeah alright I'll take it

 **simonlewis:** i love hetero erasure

 **maiaroberts:** the gays fight back

 **aleclightwood:** jace is carrying the entire hetero redemption arc on his shoulders

 **simonlewis:** and his shoulders are considerably less strong than yours

 **aleclightwood:** the hero we want but not the hero we deserve

 **jaceherondale:** thank you

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> irl quotes from this chapter are:  
> "rookie mistake"  
> "[...] is driving me to an early grave"  
> "I'm cancelling the game of thrones dvr"  
> "I can't believe [...] is gay culture now"  
> "sorry I don't speak croissant"  
> "you're like lgbt+ adjacent, it's your birthright"  
> "I love hetero erasure"  
> "the gays fight back"


End file.
